How to Re-home a Man

Okay ladies we’ve all been there before and had relationships go south. For big reasons, for small reasons, for life altering reasons and so many more. Breakups come with so many things to do depending on how long you have been together. Every thing from great now who's my emergency contact, to he ain't using my Netflix no more, to well I guess one of us is moving? It's hard it's messy and we just aren't sure what order to do things in.

So recently I just ended a very long term relationship and am still trying to figure all this out. Other women played into it so now I'm trying to figure out, how do you rehome a man? I know he isn't sleeping in my bed anymore. Do I send him with his pillows and his favorite toy (it's his penis) I'm pretty sure there are charges involved if I don't, so I guess that goes. I told the new love of his life that he is all hers now in a follow up message, after the initial message asking her how long they have been talking while he sleeps next to me. She didn't know and of course he spent a lot of time apologizing to her and promising he would be honest from here on on with her. Of course they are soulmates so they have continued their true love affair.

So my questions are is rehoming a man like rehoming a pet? Am I supposed to send care instructions ? This is a list of his favorite foods and he gets cranky if you don't feed him. Now always be sure to double check if he was actual listing to you when you tell him about plans because he will swear he knew nothing about them. Don't contradict him even if he's wrong because his feelings will get hurt and he will pout, sometimes for days. Make sure you touch his little red rocket regularly or he will cry and swear that you don't really love him. Also here are some approved recipes and a list of foods, he won't eat. He normally does not pack his own suitcase for traveling and if he does he always forgets something, which you will most likely have to locate a replacement for on your trip. In short, feed him, pamper him and fuck him on a regular schedule to avoid meltdowns and good luck.

So should my care instructions come in text, letter form, pdf. or instruction manual in the form of a little flip book? Do I also provide a dossier on the family? Like prepping your replacement for the trials and tribulations of family dynamics. Congratulations on your new purchase, there are in fact strings attached to this, you now get to herd cats, manage family drama and be the responsible one.

So here I sit pondering the question again, how do you rehome a man, the care instruction list might be too much. My extra self who has catered to everyone else's needs but my own for far too long isn't sure if that's a help or a hindrance. She will figure it out on her own one way or the other right? What can you do other than remember the most important mantra... Not my monkeys, Not my circus.....at least not anymore. So for all you ladies out there trying to rehome your man I guess you'll have to decide for yourself if you provide the next care giver instructions or just sit back and enjoy the show.